Update: January 2020…I’m not changing this post as I re-read through it and post again.  It’s still true.  I think I’ve grown deeper in it, as I’ve walked and been scared, sad, and mad when my body does things I don’t want it to or doesn’t do things I do want it to.  I hope you’ll find your story in mine.  I write not just for me to talk about MS or what I’m learning, but hopefully because you can read and relate, even though the details are different.  I cry and worship in the mystery and hope that you do too.  I’m met there by an intimate, good, and faithful Father who remains steadfast even when I am not.  Worshipping in the mystery is changing me…so, I hope you can step into my story for a minute for the purpose of seeing more of a faithful and loving God in yours….

I hate mystery. Oh, I know many of you have heard me say that I love it, and it’s “my word” for 2017. I even said “bring it on!” a couple of blog posts ago! Can I be real here? It sucks sometimes. I hate the mystery of MS and having no idea where it will strike me next. Most of the time, I have to will myself to love the mystery of God. My flesh and spirit battle over this – and I mean all out wage war – over this. Worshiping God in this is a choice. It’s not always a feeling or even a desire. It’s obedience. It’s trusting and knowing He is good. He is glorious. He is great. He is gracious. And maybe just as much? I. AM. NOT. It’s my pride that says I can only worship when I’m not anxious or when I’m feeling good about Him. Because if I trust my feelings, I’m saying my feelings are greater than God. I’m saying that I surpass Him in knowledge, wisdom, insight, and glory. It’s straight up sin, yall. But, not only that, my roots begin to shrivel up. When I don’t trust the soil He has placed me in, I begin to die a little because I’m refusing to grow deeper in His love. It’s even rebellion against a Holy God.

Elizabeth Elliot in reflecting on Psalm 16 says: “Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace. My Father is in charge! We can only know that Eternal Love is wiser than we, and we bow in adoration of that loving wisdom. The choice is in our willingness to see everything in God, receive all from His hand, accept with gratitude just the portion and the cup He offers. And the secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.

Yes. HE has drawn the lines for me in pleasant places (psalm 16), so, in the midst of still not liking the mystery all that much right now, I say: Thank you Lord. Thank you for the darkness. Thank you for not letting me put my hope in anything but you. You’re too good to me to let me do that. Thank you for being good and trustworthy and kind no matter what. Thank you for being enough and for being the only One who will ever be enough. Thank you for drawing me into deeper trust in you.

So, what’s the mystery for you? What’s the anxiety you struggle to worship the Lord in the midst of?

Not that you need me to, but I invite you to worship God in the mystery, the anxiety, the questions. Worship Him in the soil in which He has lovingly placed you.

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